America's Next Top Model Premiere

Top Model Returns With a Bang!

Every season I wonder if there is a possible way of topping the crazy bitches from the season prior and you know what... it always delivers. Deluded Jade was a serious highlight last season as she brought the crazy scale to new heights. This season we've got multiple uber-personalities to deal with.

Top on my list of those that just aint right:

Melissa Rose, er, Melrose. I predicted way back when the cast photos came out that Melrose would be a royal pain in the ass and nuttier than Chinese Chicken Salad and you know what... I was right. Not only does she go by the name Melrose because Melissa Rose is just too much to handle, she also bosses everyone around, and became a diva in 0.9 seconds. She won the first runway challenge and her prize was a "Diva for a Day" type getup with personal assistant and massage. When she arrived on set for her photo shoot was she not 15 minutes late and slinging fierce Whitney attitude at Jay? Then after all her divatude she didn't have the talent to back it up. She looked like an old haggard hooker instead of a model that won't get out of bed for less than 10,000/day. Then she cried, cried, cried. Honey, if I've learned anything in all these seasons of ANTM being a bitch and bossing people around wins you no friends.

Next up is Monique. For reals on what planet does this girl live? She steals another models bed, pretends to piss on it, then offers to fight the rightful owner. Chiiiiiild please. Next morning she tells the rest of the contestants that she will not compromise on her shower time because an hour is what it takes to make Monique beautiful. Honey, you aint got enough time in the day to make that inside any less ugly. Crazy ass.

Third on my list is the way too bubbly and babblin' Brooke. This Reese Witherspoon-lite with her pointed chin and white girl rap needs to go. There is no part of her that says Model but many parts of her that says crazy. If I was standing on that side podium waiting for Tyra to call my name as one of the Top 21 I would jump off and punch this girl square in her pointy chin for thinking she can rhyme and rap. Girl don't you know every other contestant is dying inside waiting to hear their name called and you just prolonging the agony... Something about a bottle and being on Top Model -- SHUT IT!

Now, here are my favorites (based on personality and/or looks):

A.J. was my initial pick to win based solely on the photos I posted when the 13 finalists were announced weeks back. There is something so edgy and string-bean to her that she looks the most like a high-fashion model. She's very Stella Tennent with her androgeny and punk edge. Her photo was slamming too! Super hot! She's still #1 on my list.

Next is the sporty twin Michelle. Her bulemic photo shoot was so dirty bath water Fiona Apple it was uncanny! I like both the twins but Michelle at the moment has an edge. She doesn't care about modelling as much as her sister Amanda does so I think that's what's allowing her to be so free and expressive.

Twin Amanda. Beside her sister, Amanda is the most CK model in the bunch. The gaunt, anorexic look is so 90s high-fashion that I'm all about bringing it back into vogue. What better girl(s) than one of the twins.

For personality I really appreciate Megan and CariDee. They both gave excellent face and both have this sweet nature to them. CariDee is a little on the whorey side with her photos but Megan is all class (those finger waves...
girl...); I'd like to see them go far.

Can we talk Tyra for a second? I'm not one to put down the fuller figures. I love me some meat on the bones (hey now Tocara) but Tyra needs to lay off the ribs! The only vitamins she needs to be taking are called FEN-FEN! Illegal but somethings gotta give. She's looking like a mini-Aretha! They stuffed her into that judging and elimination gown and at one point when she was having her "model stereotype" hissy-fit she threw up her arms and Los Angeles thought they were having another earthquake from the momentum those ham-hocks made when she tossed em up.

I understand she doesn't want to be a waif. I understand she's trying to be a role model for the non-stereotype beautiful bodies but when you were once a Victoria's Secret and SI model it's hard to forgive those extra lbs. All I'm saying.

Now let's talk about her model comparisons. This week I will begin a new segment in which I try to reenact and capture the ridiculously miniscule (mostly unnoticable) differences she gives as pointers in the judging sessions.
"It's not this... it's THIS" You know the ones I'm talking about. She opens her eyes one way so we can see how it makes a model look vacant (lets say) and then she opens them the exact same way but somehow we're supposed to see how it livens the model's face! It's so retarded I love it.

The premiere was chock-full too! See the difference... duh!

So yes, Top Model is back and yes, I absoloves it! I wish it was on 5 nights a week. I can't get enough.


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