American Idol - Hootenanny for Nine

Pickle Pickle Pickle, as much as it pains me to say this... "And the award goes to Kellie Pickler" Okay, I need a Silkwood shower after even typing that phrase. But to channel Randy, she turned it out dawg! This was her element and she owned the shit out of the stage and it somehow someway was good. I feel dirty. Do you think that prom dress gave her a yeast infection? It's that bad. Who knew whore and harums were big in the sticks of North Cackalacky.

Now lets go back to the beginning shall we?

Taylor Hicks you are fading fast my friend. This was easily his worst and cheesiest song to date. "Take Me Home Country Roads" you may have sang a prophetic tale my epileptic friend. As I was watching his performance I couldnt help but wonder if just maybe Taylor Hicks has switched bodies with his 17 year old son - kinda like Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore in 16 Again. Bottom 3 and probably going home.

Mandisa - We were told that was a Shania song. I do not care for that Canadian tart and I also found this performance to be sour. She never really connected with the song and all I could think was who macramed that top? Slave labor? That's a big top and those little slave kids had very little time to make it. Thank god .03 cents and hour is incentive enough! Bottom 3.

Elliott Yamin was pretty darn good. I don't know if he's growing on me or if I'm going soft the more I read about him but I can actually stomach watching him. He's no longer got the Rocky Dennis Mask face and he keeps those teeth under wraps. This was a really good pop country performance!

Paris, I think I have to say it... Bottom 3. When she goes into her lower range, she completely lands flat AND HARD! The opening of the performance was so damn rough, she was nervous and ya know what... like Kelly Clarkson last week, this week you do not cover Lianne Rhimes covering Trisha Yearwood. Rhimes' version of that song is GOLD and you do not ruin it like that. I don't care if you have Dr. Bailey's hair - you gots ta go for that performance. Bottom 3

Ace Young - I just can't say much because I slightly hate myself for thinking it was for once a good performance. Oh one more thing... Cut and wash that effin mop on your head already!

Chris Daughtry - they requested you change it up and thank god you did my friend you are my true recipient of the Musician's Magic Award (at least in my heart) for this amazingly soft, smooth, subtle, sultry, and actually heartbreaking rendition of a country song! Hot Hot Hot!

McPheever - I'm sure there is a line of Billy's, Joe's, Bob's, Rick's, Jed's, and Julio's out there ready to follow Elvis In You! She has a big ass voice and I hope she sticks around for a while. I enjoy this gal.

Bucky - The Best I Ever Had, probably true in relation to performances this season. He actually was pretty good. I couldn't figure out why I knew this song and then I realized it was a hit in the 90s by that horrid band Vertical Horizons.


Other observations:
Is that really Kenny Rogers or is that Will Sasso doing Kenny from Mad TV? Who the hell did his face lift? Stevie Wonder? My word his face is pulled tighter than Star Jones twat. I could barely look at him, and I will tell you - I'm a Kenny fan - I've got Kenny's Greatest Hits on my iPod - loves me some Kenny!

Is Randy the new Blackjack dealer on the Riverboat Queen? What was with that vest? Oi!

Ryan, did Teri Hatcher - wait a minute it just dawned on me why Simon said the Desperate Housewives comment. God I'm a tard. TERI HATCHER, DESPARATE HOUSEWIVES... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAH Simon did a funny! Not kidding, I just got it as I was typing.