Taylor Hicks Won American Idol Season 5

But the shocker of the night was that Fox pulled off an enjoyable two hour extravaganza! It was actually very entertaining and extremely watchable. In previous years the two hours has been throwaway for the last ten minutes, this season they pulled out all the stops!

Celebrities galore were in the audience and onstage celebrities galore sold their souls in the name of America's biggest television show - noone was above whoring themselves for 200 million viewers worldwide.

Carrie Underwood opened the show with the "angelic" Idol finalists all in white. Funny enough, white is not Mandisa's color. Wow, I thought some of the pixels in my flatscreen went awry and blew out but that was her hideously large and bedazzled shirt. Coincidentally, this same scene and song alos opened the second half of the two hour finale. Then suddenly a harsh jumpcut and Carrie Underwood is looking surprisingly stunning singing live. Some song I wouldn't know. If I was her, I'd be pissed - alls I'm sayin'...

Who did we have in soul sellers?

• Al Jarreau who I'm pretty sure Randy would say was "pitchy dude".
• Live with Chris Daughtry was incredible - just to think they were once the biggest thing ever and then they get too religious and drop off the map only to be brought back as Chris' favorite band - wham into the spotlight again. Nice.
• Wolfgang Puck and Kellie Pickler had me rollin'.
• Wolfgang (kisses Pickle's cheek): "The perfect appetizer..."
• Pickle: "And it's not fattening either!"
• Rollin'! Give that girl a sitcom already.
• Next up was Meatloaf with Kat. Seriously, she drowned him out so badly and um, could you find another album name already? It's "Bat Out of Hell volume 91."
  
• Then came Ms. Mary J. Blige! You don't fuck with Mary J. - she ran circles around that Smooshed Face Lion - he couldn't keep up with Mary J. if he tried. She was amazing, chaotic, frantic, and then off the stage! She walked right off when she was done leaving Elliott in the middle wondering what just happened. She ruled that show!
• Toni Braxton, for real?
  
• I don't really count Burt Bacharach as a soul seller as he's been on every season and he is after all Burt!
  
• I'm sorry but did her Psychic Friends Network forcast this appearance? Ms. Dionne Warwick ladies and gentleman! Who BTW is looking amazing and sounding just as good for a living fossil. She's so old, lines in Seacrests face were jealous. But I'm sorry if you're going to pull out "That's What Friends Are For" you better have the backup of Elton and Co. Taylor and Kat just didn't cut it!
• Oh yeah, also Michael Sandecki was on hand. Who you ask? That would be the ugliest and gayest version of Clay Aiken this side of an Army Ranger's IM video screencap.
  
• Then there was Prince who had been rumored earlier in the season as being one of the performers. As much as I don't "get" Prince's music, the man is quite the performer. Again, a person that just walks off stage leaving Seacrest in a wake of lavender to fend for himself.
  

Keeping the show alive with momentum were The Golden Idol Awards. A cheesy stunt that was actually fun to watch. I loved when Crazy Dave won his award and that awards girl in the pink gown was deathly afraid of walking towards that flailing maniac. She dropped that $2 Golden Idol and ran for the hills. Don't blame ya honey. Do you think that's like the Golden Globes and pink dress running for the hills was actually Simon Fuller's relative? Pink Dress Running For the Hills - that's her Indian name. What? Ronetta Real and Ronetta Fake had me laughing my ass off. I love that Ronetta! I was really hoping that instead of the Maxim Twins, Ronetta would have been in Alabama with Taylor's 5000 closest friends. $5 suckysucky - she would have made a fortune. What about Seacrest saying Ronetta was "working"... no he didn't! That bitch was waiting all toothless, wig askew, and bruised at Seacrests doorstep when he got home. She'll kill that waifish bitch!

I even thought that most of the musical performances were enjoyable. The only really painful one was "I Had The Time of My Life." Jon and I kept waiting for Taylor to do the lift witk Kat! That would have been the saving grace of that horrid rendition though, don't you agree? They should have went for the lift. Baby and Johnny would have!

Wait, back to Michael Sandecki and Gayken. I was kinda digging Clay's hair. It sheltered that reptile like milky skin he's normally flashing. At first I couldn't tell if it was a set up or if that scary Michael guy knew Clay was coming out (so to speak) - but there was no way that Scary Michael's that good of an actor. He had no clue Gayken was going to siddle up to him. Even scarrier and sadder is that Scary Michael thought Idol flew him out to actually sing. Oh that poor bastard. Notice Gayken left a good distance between himself and his bizarro self. Clay ain't playing.



In the end, who really cared that Grey Hair McGuilicutty won? It was just a great ride this season with a really talented group of contestants. Each "group" sing of the guy and girls really showcased the variety and range they picked for Season 5. I can't imagine how they top a Chris or a Paris again but we'll wait and see come January 07.

Until then friends...

HOMO out!

*UPDATE: Wait, I completely forgot about Hasselhoff! Why was David Hasselhoff crying when Taylor Hicks won? It was damn near the funniest thing ever!