My Dirty Little Secret... CHEERLEADER NATION!

Oh who am I kidding, there is not a person on here reading that doesn�t think I�d be a fan of Lifetime�s CHEERLEADER NATION! I am after all gay and worship Bring It On so it was kind of a given, no?

I�ve watched since week one, not even knowing what channel Lifetime is on my box, (thank god for interactive on screen guides, they make guilty pleasures so much more enjoyable by keeping your secrets) and have loved every damn second of it! From meeting the girls to meeting the crazy ass parents to meeting the gotta be gay coach I�ve stuck with it, well like nailing a 360 Heel Stretch!

Competitive Cheerleading is so much a sport it amazes me that some of these girls are as �husky� (to be kind) as they are. There is so much tumbling, running, flipping, yelling, and flying in the air that you�d think a few of these chicks would be in better shape (Ashley I�m talking to you).

I love that this show�s reality actually mirrors that of Bring It On in that the cheerleaders are the superstars at a football game and the footballers just lose it all. These chicks are the trophy winners at Dunbar High and they know it� I want to be their friends.

Let�s run down the girls I know and love:

Alexa and her Senior Sister Megan (who just turned 18 boys � her Bday was 4/13). These two make me happy and sad at the same time. Alexa is the younger in the shadows of her big sister-sister and that breaks my heart. The Mom (who is an amazing character for the sequel to Holly Hunters �The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom�) has always showed favoritism to Megan and on camera has expressed her best friend status and more love of Megan. It�s way harsh because Alexa knows this and has a complex because of it� ya think? But in the end, they really love and support each other and had a super heart-felt moment last week when Megan decided to go to a college closer to home and they both confessed that it would make them happier than if she went away. A tear.

Can we talk about Megan for a second? Last week she was practicing her Full when she panicked and froze midair leading to the scariest but most must-watch scene so far this season. She is hauling ass btw and midflip freezes up and goes flying through the air and slams on her back and neck with such velocity I thought for sure she was dead. All I could think of was that crazy ass Kristi Yamaoka that was all over the news cheering from the stretcher a few weeks back after landing on her head? Carver anyone? Sorry another BIO reference! Anyhoo, it�s the most painful but fascinating thing to watch and Lifetime played the shit out of that clip from like 18 camera angles Megan slams into the ground over and over and over and over and over again. I screamed and cringed each time it was so hardcore. Then two seconds later she catches her breathe, wipes the tears from her eyes, tries it again and NAILS IT! Yeah, that�s how they roll at Dunbar!

Amanda is the freshman that somehow made it onto the Varsity Squad. She�s kinda bland but her Mom again is waaaaay into the whole cheerleading scene. Amanda�s the type of girl that could either befriend a serial killer or become a straight laced student. Watching her foreign language class however was one of the funniest things ever. I know they just edited it down to make her out to be a bumbling tard but it was still damn funny. Girl needs to pay more attention and take cheerleading more seriously or one of those Mom�s will whack her faster than she can cheer �We Are D-U-N-B-A-R�

Ashley is the fag hag of the group. She�s the cute chunky one that somehow just doesn�t fit in with the rest of them. She has a boyfriend but it doesn�t seem serious. Maybe that�s because he�s a moppy haired alternaboy who probably is as into spirit fingers as she is. I do love her though. And the eye lashes? Maybelline could do a whole ad with those lashes, they are long separated and black! Girl knows her way around a brush.

Ayrica is the girl on the squad with a 4.2 average. Yeah, 4.2 GPA. Is that extra credit? Where do those extra .2 points come from? I don�t quite get that but what I do get is that her family is lazy, demanding, and a real pain in my ass. They makes me so mad! She has to get up every morning at like 4:30am to help with housework, getting her 2 or 3 rugrat sisters up and ready, making breakfast, feeding, clothing, and bathing those little brats all before she has to get ready herself for cheerleading practice, homework, and then school (which is then followed by 3 hours of cheerleading practice at night) only to begin the routine again in the morning. Her parents ride her hard and she�s �bout at the end of that patience rope. She�s so smart she knows how the school manipulates her, how her parents manipulate her, etc. and she�s one to bring in a pipe bomb� she�s up at 4:30am folks, do not underestimate the skills of a 4.2 GPA cheerleader. They�re peppy and perky, yet resourceful.

This brings us to Chelsea, my favorite bad girl with the bleached hair of straw and scowl to scare a pitbull! Chelsea is a pain in the effing ass high school girl. She�s entitled, bored, and stuck up! Oh, did I mention that her Mom rides a Hog and Chelsea is basically white trash? LOVE HER! She�s such a bitch. She actually said on camera that she only wanted her Mom to come to Nationals so that she could buy her stuff. She didn�t care about support, she just wanted free stuff from Mom. Its crushing to see that parent/daughter dynamic but amazing to watch! This girl will be preggers before 20 and living in a trailer. You go Chelsea!

Kaitlin is the captain of the squad and happens to be the daughter of the other �The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom� Mom of the bunch. Kaitlin�s great, dedicated, smart� basically boring. But her Mom, Teresa, is the ultimate in ShowMoms! You�d think she was one of the cheerleaders with how much she sticks her nose in all of it. When Saleem, the gotta be gay Coach decided to not give the senior girls their presents before Nationals (like they have every year prior), Teresa started a witch hunt! She ranted up and down, had meetings about it, started a lynch mob! When she later told her daughter, you know� the one cheering and the one involved in getting a present, Kaitlin shot back �SO?� It was a great moment in television history. The ultimate shutdown!

Katie�s the jock turned Cheerleader and if I was one of the Dunbar girls that had been on squad for years I�d be ready to take her out at the kneecaps. When the Lifetime Cheerleader Nation website loads, the first picture shown is with Katie in the middle like the leader. I bet your ass Chelsea�s already plotting on how to take her out! I like Katie, she�s way into it now and she�s just so damned perky!

Nicole is the fake and bake girl that during her confessionals could have stepped out of a John Hughes movie with her flipped up pastel/neon polo and fried curly hairsprayed hair! She�s dating the biggest tool ever. A total DB.

Now that brings us to Ryan. She�s the Emma (from Degrassi) of the group. She�s the nicest, sweetest thing on earth and you just love her. Those girls must hate her! Her Mom, Donna, is the assistant Coach and a really odd woman. I love Ryan and want her to eventually go to college far far away from Donna. Then Lifetime can have a spin-off show on the real Desperate Housewives of Cheerleading. Donna in the corner smoking cigarettes and boozing it up because her life is over. Run Ryan Run!

Oh and there are like 20 other girls but you never see them at all. They must have boring stable lives, poor pathetic things!

If you�re not watching this show you�re a real idiot.


  • This show is rerunning on Lifetime right now, and I was curious to see what the girls are doing now, so during my googling, I came across your blog... I also came across the news that Chelsea is pregnant afterall. Well predicted!

    By Blogger playinthesurf, at 8/16/2010 12:29:00 PM  

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